Oh these two-hour shows. How many times must we hear Lindsay say amazing? Or that she’s scared to tell Sean she loves him?
Or what about AshLee and her fear of abandonment? Note to producers: We got it, okay? We also get that she’s in love, that she’s found her soul mate, that she’s no longer broken.
And Catherine. She’s so weird. And Sean is so hunky. And she’s so glad he accepts her for who she is.
Sean looks away when AshLee starts to cry. Could it be? Will he send her home? Or is that just clever editing?
All the girls pretend to worry about the fantasy suite, but they all say yes in the end, of course. That Sean. He’s a gentleman. He just wants to stay up and talk.
After three dreamy dates — and three nights in the aforementioned fantasy suite — Sean admits to host Chris Harrison that he’s made up his mind about who he is sending home. He says he’s fallen in love, that he thinks he’ll get down on one knee and propose. But, first, someone has to go.
Then the show trudges on to the inevitable video messages. Sean looks away when AshLee starts to cry. Could it be? Will he send her home? Or is that just clever editing?
On the day of the rose ceremony, it rains. “It’s definitely setting the depressing mood,” Sean says just moments before he hands out the final two roses.
“I do not want to have to send her home today. But I know I have to. I wanted to be the man who loved her forever. That’s what I really wanted. I just know that I’m not supposed to be with her.
“I’m heartbroken because I know this is going to be difficult for her. And I’m worried that she won’t be okay once this is over today.”
Okay. After that speech, we’re all thinking it’s AshLee. But that’s too easy, right? And so we wait for a twist.
“It kills me inside that I might break your heart,” Sean says during the rose ceremony. “And I also hope that you realize how much you mean to me and how hard and incredibly difficult for me it was to make this decision.”
Bleep! Lindsay says a bad word. But she gets a rose. Phew. One down.
Then, Sean sits there, second rose in hand, for what feels like three hours.
And then he says her name: Catherine. She takes his rose and breathes a sigh of relief.
A rejected AshLee storms off. “She didn’t say goodbye to us,” Catherine says.
“She’s pissed,” Lindsay says.
AshLee walks ahead of Sean, then flips around and says, “Just stay here.”
But he chases after her. “Can I just explain myself, please? I want you to go away with closure. I want you to know why I made my decision. I thought it was you, from the very beginning. I felt like our relationship was — there was a lot of intensity there.
“This was honestly the hardest decision I had to make. I think the world of you. I don’t want you to ever doubt that. I did not want to hurt you.”
She just stares at him. She doesn’t even blink. Then she turns and gets into the car.
“This wasn’t a silly game to me,” she says. “This wasn’t about a joy ride. And about laughter and joking and having fun.” She’s wide-eyed and a little crazy. But no tears. Not yet.
“I let him in, and I loved him,” she says, as the tears start to fall. “I just feel real heavy in my heart. It’s the ultimate reject.”
Oh, AshLee. You will have your revenge — er, chance — as the next Bachelorette, perhaps?