Unfortunately, not all episodes of The Bachelorette this season can begin with Copper, Rachel’s dog, frolicking around the Bachelor mansion. Instead, we’re back at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, where DeMario has returned to “speak his peace.” He admits that he messed up, and he can’t let Rachel go.
Rachel says she needs a man who doesn’t start lying when confronted with a difficult situation. “What I saw yesterday was a boy. I need a man.” Amen, girl. And that’s the end of DeMario.
The cocktail party continues as usual until ... Whaboom shows up. You remember Whaboom, aka Lucas, aka a ventriloquist dummy come to life and bestowed with the personality of a drunken frat boy. Lucas admits to Rachel that he suspects Blake is badmouthing him because Blake has a crush on him, as evidenced by the time Blake stood over Lucas’ bed licking a banana sensually. It is definitely one of the more bizarre confessions on the show.
However, joke’s on Lucas, cause Mr. Bodybuilder Blake doesn’t eat carbs, and bananas are carbs. Boom! I mean, whaboom!
And now it’s time for the rose ceremony. Do you know everyone’s names at this point? I don’t, but apparently there was a guy named Jamey, and he got sent home. Also leaving? The dynamic duo Lucas and Blake.
But before they actually leave, they both give interviews to crew members outside, and of course, they’re within earshot of each other. Lucas blames Blake for being sent home (not the fact that he’s an utter buffoon), while Blake blames Lucas (not the fact that he’s an arrogant meathead). Blake decides to take this opportunity to fully cement his invitation to be on Bachelor in Paradise by saying he’s gonna kill Lucas. Then he approaches him, pats him on the shoulder, and tells him he’s a piece of shit. The great thing is that, out of this, we get to see Blake attempt a “whaboom” moment. It is, somehow, more terrible than when Lucas does it.
Thankfully, the next morning, the drama is over, and the men prepare for a group date to see Ellen DeGeneres. First a dog pool party, and now the Ellen show? This season is surprisingly awesome.
After interviewing Rachel, Ellen brings out the six fellas on the group date and has them take their shirts off and dance in the audience. Alex decides to twerk on some poor grandmother, and, as a result, he gets a lot of dollar bills shoved in his pants. Later, they play “Never Have I Ever,” and Alex continues to steal the show by admitting to peeing in the pool at the mansion and texting a nude selfie to a girlfriend.
Meanwhile, Fred worries that Rachel still thinks of him as the annoying little kid that she used to teach at summer camp, so he vows to commit to more romance. Unfortunately, Rachel can’t get the little kid Fred out of her head, so she sends him home right there. Alex gets the group date rose, presumably for his honesty and also his abs.
The next day is a one-on-one date with Anthony. The two ride horses down Rodeo Drive and right on into a store. In a show of true Texan hospitality, Rachel decides that Anthony, a Chicago native, needs some cowboy boots. He looks surprisingly dapper in a cowboy hat and red and black boots.
On the dinner portion of the date, Anthony and Rachel talk about something. What? It doesn’t matter. Two minutes later I’ve already forgotten it, but Rachel gives him a rose and he becomes the ... eighth ... person to kiss her?
Back at the mansion, Eric is freaking out, because he thinks he’s emotionally available and Rachel isn’t. The other guys question this assertion, and Eric gets super defensive and starts cussing at poor Iggy (I know, I know, who’s Iggy?). Some of the other guys see all this go down, so it’s only a matter of time before someone tells Rachel.
The group date begins, and Rachel’s posse shows up to escort the men on a date they’ve planned. Her posse is, of course, previous Bachelor contestants Raven, Corinne, Alexis, and Jasmine. Rachel is brave to bring four hot, presumably single girls on her date. Especially Corinne. I mean, did she even watch last season?
We arrive at the date that the former Bachelorettes have planned, and it’s so, so bad. Mud wrestling. If last week’s episode was one of the best I’ve ever seen (cause Rachel is awesome, dog pool parties are awesome, and DeMario getting told what’s what is awesome), this episode is one of the worst. The random women circling the mud wrestling pit start yelling “Let me see your butt!” and “Take it all off!” at the men. This show gets a lot of flack for the many ways in which it objectifies women, and this was honestly no better.
While the men are getting cleaned up, Rachel’s friends reveal that they like Dean the most and have lots of questions about Eric. Later, when Rachel and Eric have some alone time, she expresses her concerns. She also tells him which two dudes threw him under the bus, but he somehow manages to snag the group date rose anyway.
The next night, at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Iggy tells Rachel about his conversation with Eric. Of course, Eric already has a rose, and Iggy just spent all of his one-on-one time talking about someone else. I don’t see that going well. To make matters worse, Iggy immediately tells Eric what has just transpired. And then Lee tells Rachel about Iggy’s and Eric’s drama. This is getting really boring. Bring back Copper!
Rachel seems offended that Eric would question her sincerity, but she decides to let him stick around and keep his rose. This is where Eric should sit down and shut up, but instead, he starts ranting to the entire group of guys about how he must be a threat to everyone. This leads to him literally hopping up and down while yelling about his name being in everybody’s mouths.
Will Rachel walk in on his hysterics? Will she send him home? Will Lee wipe the self-congratulatory smirk off his face? Will Copper come back and save us all from this drivel? I pray to Chris Harrison he will, but we won’t find out until next week.