Oh my. It’s here. The one weekend a year when your Facebook newsfeed is barfing collegiate school spirit every minute of the hour. Suddenly your friends throw up first-world gang signs while dining in really nice restaurants. The one Friday where traffic to work is a cinch because everyone is playing hooky and traffic home is horrible, because everyone is playing hooky.
You have to make serious decisions about your precious weekend. If you’re only considering this now, I warn you, there are only hours — nay, minutes — for you to plan how you will spend the next 48 hours. Very soon our highways, streets, bars and, heaven forbid, some of our houses will be taken over by orange and red-flavored maniacs.
Here are four ways non-Texas or OU fans from Dallas can spend their weekend:
Run — Like hell. Scram. Skedaddle. Get out of dodge. Time is running out though, so if this is your favorite option, get on it. Figure out your game plan pronto. I hear Tyler is really nice this time of year.
Best practice: Drive east or west.
Join them — Oh that famous statement, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” My friends, you can’t beat them this weekend. Sometimes, you can’t beat them ever (shout out to my entire college career).
Some of you will be best served by gritting your teeth and getting out there. You don’t have to wear their colors; you simply have to blend in with these creatures and play nice. And there are lots of options from which to choose if you’re willing to mingle. Most of these fans are very cool and will invite you to parties if you promise not to say mean things when they lose the game.
Best practice: Much like yelling a panic word in a crowded room, don’t go to a bar and scream obscenities or tough-guy talk about either university. You won’t get out alive.
Go to <insert name of big superstore> — If you really want to blend in, head over to any local store and buy a shirt. I know you won't have trouble finding one; they've infiltrated even our grocery stores.
If you like crowds, then wear your new outfit to the State Fair and merge away. Perhaps you are the type who likes to stir up healthy competition. In that case you might want to buy your least favorite team’s shirt and then see how many fried Samoas you can fit into your mouth in the most public place possible. Surely that will end well.
Best practice: I don’t know if there’s a better practice than playing food games at the fair.
Stay home — Gather a few of your most favorite fellow shut-ins and have a party of your own. Organize a Jenga tournament, or just watch football of the non-Texas or OU variety. Warning: Some Texas-OU fans may sneak in. Depending on the results of the game, you may have to help them drown their sorrows or socialize with winners.
Best practice: Hide your expensive stuff.
If we separate, we may have a better chance for survival. Best of luck to you all. See you Monday.