Rachel Lindsay's Vikings have a bloody good time on The Bachelorette

Now, where were we? Ah, yes. We were on a chilly hillside in Norway watching two grown-ass men lie about each other to win the heart of a woman who is far too good for either of them.

Lee told Rachel that Kenny has been physically violent toward him, which prompted Kenny to laugh maniacally while walking toward Lee in a way that totally doesn’t scream “I’m unhinged and about to fly off the handle.” Rachel reappears and calls the date “informative,” which is truly what all guys aim for on dates. She acknowledges that the men have told her two completely different stories, so she has to go with her gut. She tells Lee she doesn’t trust him, but that she also can’t give the rose to Kenny yet. She sends Lee home and agrees to spend more time with Kenny, though she isn’t sure that relationship can move forward either.

As Rachel invites Kenny to leave with her in a helicopter, Kenny walks back toward Lee and starts lecturing him. Rachel is super annoyed that Kenny can’t let it go, but she waits patiently in the helicopter for Kenny. I would not have been so patient. I would have told that helicopter pilot to take me right on back to my handsome Colombian lover, Bryan, and never looked back.

But Rachel hangs in there, and she and Kenny spend some time together in her hotel room. She immediately asks Kenny what the heck was up with him walking away from her to confront Lee, and he continues to defend his actions. Look, Lee is definitely an ass, but you need to take it down a notch, Kenny.

Rachel doesn’t question that he’s honest and there for her, though, so she ends up giving him the two-on-one date rose. And then Kenny has the most adorable Facetime conversation with his absolutely precious daughter, and he immediately breaks down, while she tries to cheer him up.

And now it’s time for another rose ceremony. Rachel shocks Josiah by sending him and Anthony home. Josiah is pretty scandalized by the decision, and he keeps it classy by calling Alex a KGB spy and making fun of Adam, Jr. What did Adam Jr. ever do to you, Josiah?!

The fairy tale (Chris Harrison’s words, not mine) continues in Copenhagen, where Eric receives the first one-on-one date. They take a boat around the city and talk about what they want for the future before stumbling upon what appears to be a hot tub cafe, where people sit around in hot tubs and drink in the middle of the town. Where can I sign up?

Back at the frat hus (that’s Danish for frat house), the men receive a date card with the note, “I’ve taken a Viking to you,” which I realize Rachel didn’t write, but I’m gonna go ahead and give her props for the pun anyway. Everyone is invited to the Viking party except Will, who has the next one-on-one.

Meanwhile, Eric and Rachel head over to the Tivoli Gardens amusement park for what looks like loads of fun with bumper cars, whack-a-mole, and a very picturesque Ferris wheel ride. Over dinner, they discuss Eric’s past, and he reveals that he didn’t get enough love from his family as a child. This led him to run away from love and commitment in his past relationships. He also admits that he’s never been in love and doesn’t know what it feels like, but so far what he’s feeling is good. I know that sounds so much like a line, but damn it if it didn’t make me (oh, and Rachel, too) melt a little. She gives him a rose, and then they ride a terrifying roller coaster into the starry night sky.

The next day, the men converge on a Copenhagen dock for the Viking-themed group date, which sees them rowing a Viking ship to a field where locals (dressed as Vikings, of course) are preparing for battle. The men depart briefly to change into Viking attire, and I’m a little uncomfortable with how attractive I find these outfits.

They play a series of Viking games, one of which is called “grease stick” and involves the men trying to extract a greased stick from Rachel’s hand in order to marry her. There are also some one-legged chest bumps and something that resembles the cha-cha, but with wrestling. The games come down to Kenny versus Adam, who engage in an actual sword fight, complete with giant wooden shields. Adam throws aside his sword, and the two begin to engage in hand-to-shield combat, during which they somehow both end up with blood running down their faces from their eyebrows. Kenny is crowned the Viking for the day, and he gets a horned helmet, which, it turns out, is historically inaccurate, as the Vikings never wore helmets with horns. But whatever.

During the evening portion of the date, Rachel toasts to the men “pillaging her feelings” and “raiding her heart.” Have I mentioned how much I love Viking puns?

Almost immediately, Rachel and Bryan retire to a separate room to make out and to offer Bryan another opportunity to say just the right things constantly. Then Rachel and Peter make out, and I get increasingly jealous of her.

When it comes time to chat with Kenny, he admits that he isn’t sure if their relationship is growing in the way it needs to. He’s missing his daughter, and he’s concerned about bringing someone into her life if the relationship isn’t going to work out. Rachel acknowledges that she isn’t sure where there relationship is headed either. “Speaking from one daddy’s girl to the next, she’s lucky to have you,” Rachel says of Kenny’s daughter. Then she tells him to go home to his little girl, and he agrees that it’s the right thing to do. And I’m still definitely not crying.

Peter gets the group date rose for reasons Rachel “can’t articulate.”

Rachel and Will’s one-on-one date begins with the revelation that they’re hopping a boat to Sweden. They play some sort of Viking game with wooden blocks then have coffee with a couple of complete strangers who have been married for 35 years. Where did the producers find this adorable Swedish couple?

And then things get awkward. Will apparently won’t do anything more than hold Rachel’s hand. She has to ask him to kiss her. There is zero spark between the two, and they both look super uncomfortable while standing atop a romantic castle staring out at beautiful Denmark in the distance.

Things don’t go much better at dinner, where Will admits that he mainly dates white women. Rachel seems a little turned off by that revelation. She’s also not thrilled when he says his past relationships have tended to be filled with passion, as theirs clearly isn’t. Rachel sends Will home.

With Will and Kenny both eliminated during dates, there’s only one man left to send home during the rose ceremony. Rachel is visibly nervous going into it, and she starts tearing up almost immediately upon facing the men. After giving a speech that references Hamlet (you know, cause they’re in Denmark), Rachel sends Alex, the Russian hunk, home without a rose.

The previews for next week show Rachel sobbing and all of the men questioning why they’re there, which means that after a week of name-calling and Viking duels, things will finally be back to normal.