Two hours is a long time to sit through an episode of The Bachelor — even if you can fast forward through the commercials.
We know we’re supposed to be interested in the one-on-one dates, but the real action is always back at the house, where the frenemies are stewing about what’s happening with the one lucky girl who gets to hang with the hunk.
Sean chooses one-armed Sarah for his first official date — and he picks her up in a helicopter. Because, you know, that’s how first dates usually start.
Let’s just cut to the end, when Sarah declares, “I feel like I’m falling in love with Sean. I don’t know how I got so lucky.”
To which we say, honey, that’s the adrenalin talking. You just jumped off the top of a 35-story building and plummeted 360 feet to a cocktail party pour deux waiting at the bottom.
Next up, a group date, in which Sean and 13 girls dress up for a photo shoot to compete for a Harlequin romance novel cover shot. Model Kristy knows she’s got this competition locked.
During hair and makeup, the truth starts to come out. “One girl is driving me bananas: Tierra. I don’t appreciate her personality,” says Robyn from Houston.
“Tacky hoes are a dime a dozen,” says the makeup artist.
But Tierra’s like the honey badger. Tierra don’t care. Tierra don’t give a shit. She’s got her eye on the prize. Among our favorite Tierra-isms:
- “I wouldn’t mind if all the girls go home.”
- “I’m not going to let any girl stop me from getting a rose.”
- “I’m not here to meet friends. I’m here to meet Sean.”
- “No girls are getting in my way.”
- “I’m not here to play dress up. I’m here for Sean. And I want Sean to see what Tierra really wants.”
And sweet, trusting Sean falls for Tierra and her mascara. “I want someone who is very sweet, has a good, genuine heart, who is sincere. It just took me five seconds to realize you have that,” he says to her back at the house. Um, what?
Also back at the house, there’s a bachelorette casualty. Yoga instructor Katie is the first to come to her senses and decides that this is, in fact, a really weird way to meet a guy.
“I just feel like this is not the right setting for me. I really do. I feel like I need to go home,” she says. And off she goes.
Fast forward to one-on-one date No. 2, with Desiree. After he plays a practical joke on her at an art show, they take a dip in the obligatory hot tub and banter about how comfortable they are with each other.
“You want to know a secret?” he says. “You’ve seen every side of me. Like, this is me. You’ve seen 100 percent of me. And no one else has brought that out in me yet.”
“We’re a pretty good match,” she replies.
“I know,” he says.
There must be something in the hot tub water.
“I can see myself being with Des,” Sean says later. “And I can see myself marrying someone like Des. Right now, I see every quality I would look for in a wife. And a best friend.”
Show’s over, right? Not yet, friends!
Cut back to the house, preceding the rose ceremony. Tierra’s not the only one causing trouble. The girls can’t figure out Amanda, who sits on the couch, scowling. She is oddly quiet with them but turns on the charm with Sean.
These girls know how to work Mr. Nice Guy. He gives Tierra a rose, and the camera cuts to Robyn, who looks away.
When Amanda gets a rose, Des shakes her head.
Game on.
Model Kristy knows how to work the camera at the Harlequin romance novel photo shoot.
