Breastaurant Town

Bikinis, Texas, land of boobs, springs up in abandoned city

She works hard for the money, so you better treat her right.
Look, a perfect triangle.
CEO Doug Guller (center) gets his Bikinis area covered by Director of OperationsChris George and Franchise Sales Operator Kevin Pearson.

Y'all. I don't even know how to write this. My brain and eyes are literally melting right now.

Doug Guller, CEO of ATX Brands, LLC — the company that owns Austin bars The Parish, Pelóns and Beale Street Tavern — has purchased an abandoned Hill Country town and named it after the company that made him his first million: Bikinis.

Bikinis, Texas, is a real thing. That you will soon be able to visit.

“Bikinis, Texas will be a world-class destination, and I am thrilled to expand the Bikinis brand to include town ownership,” CEO Guller says. “There could not be a better way to put Bikinis on the map ... literally.”

The town, an abandoned railroad stop once known as Bankersmith, is located 10 miles south of Fredericksburg and six miles southwest of Luckenbach, forming an amazingly perfect (bikini) triangle south of Austin. There are currently a lot of trees and hills, and that's about it.

Bankersmith went on sale on Craigslist, and the entrepreneurial Guller seized this unique opportunity to become the proud owner of his very own municipality. Which he will promptly turn into a Hill Country party destination. (Where else have the good people of Luckenbach been going for their Tuesday night wings-and-boobs?)

Whatever your moral objections to the Bikinis franchise and its unapologetic perpetuation of the objectification of women as consumable body parts, there is no denying that the rest of the great state of Texas has embraced Guller's "breastaurant" concept with hungry eyes and bellies.

In five years, the franchise has added nine additional locations throughout Texas, as well as outposts in Oklahoma City and Charlotte. By 2017, Guller expects to have more than 50 locations throughout the United States.

Now, the unincorporated City of Bikinis — a literal city of bikinis, y'all — is intended to become a destination spot for annual parties, festivals and events. “Bikinis, Texas will be a world-class destination, and I am thrilled to expand the Bikinis brand to include town ownership,” Guller says. “There could not be a better way to put Bikinis on the map ... literally.”

No word yet on who will become the mayor of this proud swimsuit-themed city. Perhaps it will be determined by a wet t-shirt contest? I, for one, cannot contain my excitement to learn of the mayor's political stances and measurements.

All jokes aside, it will be fascinating to see how quickly the straight men of Texas flock to Bikinis once Guller opens the doors. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the bikini-clad women who will be working for amazing tips in this literal land of objectification.

I still can't wrap my mind around it, y'all. This is real life in Texas.

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Airline mayhem

Passenger who was duct taped on Milwaukee-to-Dallas flight arrested

Courtesy photo

Duct tape

An unruly man who was duct-taped by fellow passengers on a flight from Milwaukee to Dallas has been charged for assaulting a flight attendant.

According to a release from U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Texas Leigha Simonton, Abdul-al-Jabbar Oloruntoba Olaiya, 29, was charged via criminal complaint with interfering with a flight crew by assault or intimidation within the special aircraft jurisdiction of the United States.

Olaiya injured a flight attendant in an attempt to exit the plane mid-air.

According to court documents, on November 19, roughly two hours into the flight from Milwaukee to Dallas, Olaiya became frustrated with the flight attendant as she worked the forward galley.

Witnesses told law enforcement they heard Olaiya say he was “captain of this flight” and needed to “get off the plane.”

He then allegedly charged the flight attendant in an attempt to access the aircraft exit door. The flight attendant, identified in court documents as S.J., used her body to shield the door and was injured in the scuffle.

Other passengers rushed to assist, tackling Olaiya and duct-taping his wrists and ankles, then keeping him subdued for the rest of the flight. With only 30 minutes left, the pilots continued to DFW, calling the tower for priority landing and taxing. The incident made national news.

Once they landed, Olaiya was removed from the plane by officers and taken in for a mental evaluation. If convicted, he faces up to 20 years in federal prison.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Dallas Field Office and the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport Department of Public Safety conducted the investigation. Assistant U.S. Attorney Levi Thomas is prosecuting the case.

transportation