Soon, no one will be the one who knocks. That’s right, friends: On September 29, Breaking Bad bids a final farewell, and I’m not ready to say goodbye. Over five seasons, Vince Gilligan and company have somehow made me (and everyone else) fall in love with a meth kingpin, his world of desperation and his by-any-means-necessary approach to life.
Aside from the whole meth-leads-to-destruction thing, there’s a lot to be learned from the trials (and many, many tribulations) faced by Walter White et al. Thus, I present the most important lessons I’ve learned from Sunday nights spent gritting my teeth watching Breaking Bad.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
It’s hard to imagine an episode from seasons one through three that didn’t involve Walt Jr. eating cereal. Dude loved cereal like a fat kid loves cake, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Plus, he probably got more daily fiber than the whole cast combined. Good for you, Flynn. I’ll forever think of you every time I pour myself a bowl of Golden Grahams.
Never trust an Opie.
Listen, we all liked Todd in the beginning, right? Perhaps I was influenced by my predisposed love for Jesse Plemons from his role on Friday Night Lights, but I wanted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He spotted the nanny cam! He really helped out during that methylamine heist! But then he shot a kid and Todd went to a dark place, right along with my heart. I’ll never forgive you, Landry.
Customer service is key.
Murder. Fried Chicken. A whole lot of chamomile tea. Through thick and thin, there is at least one thing we can count on: customer service. You want blue meth? You get blue meth. Quality above 70 percent? It's coming your way, dude. A pizza that’s not sliced? Thanks, Badger! You’re covered. And regardless of what’s going down, always be sure to have an A-1 day.
Patience is a virtue.
Remember Huell? He’s still waiting in that safe house for Hank. And he’s not complaining about it one bit.
If you’re gonna spew, don’t.
Not on Walt’s watch, at least.
Stay in school.
Remember when Jesse was just a high school grad? Remember when Walt was a simple chemistry teacher? Sure, it didn’t last long, but it could have. And then where would we be? We’d be in an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, that’s where.
When in doubt, call Saul.
Need a Hello Kitty Phone? He's your guy. Got a Ricin cigarette you need lifted? You got it. Want a maroon Previa to show up to whisk you off into your newfound life as a shut-in New Hampshire? Better call Saul. Just don't ask him to stay with you. He's moving on.
That’s enough learning for today. But before we say goodbye to TV’s greatest drama possibly ever, let’s consider this – how can it end? The Internet is chock-full of theories. There’s the idea that I’m actually right, and the episode ends with Walt’s entrance into the witness protection program, reentering the world as the father in Malcolm in the Middle.
There’s the widely held notion that Walt’s a goner, but how? His cancer could get the best of him, of course. Or he could always use that pesky Ricin to take himself out. Perhaps he will go after Todd and his band of neo-Nazis, ending everything in a blaze of glory.
And what of Jesse? Will he take little Brock under his wing and keep him from Lilies of the Valley forever? Will he emerge from his Opie-doomed captivity to take out Todd and team up with Walt once again? Will he never date again, so as to save the young women of the world from painful and unnecessary deaths? Who knows.
Finally, who else will meet their maker? Marie is clad in all black to mourn Hank, which is a nice change of pace from the purple. But is she not long for this world? And what about Skylar? Will Walt’s sometimes-faithful wife avoid criminal prosecution and enjoy her days swimming in a pool of money?
There’s so much speculation to be done, here, and I could go on for days. But the truth will reveal itself on Sunday night, and I for one can’t wait. I’m stocking up on blue rock candy as we speak.