I’ve figured out who Ted Cruz is. He’s Angie.

Angie transferred to my Tulsa junior high midway through my 8th-grade year. To say the young men of Lewis & Clark were excited would be a tremendous understatement. Word traveled quickly, seemingly instantaneously, that the school had itself a new candidate for Biggest Fox. She wore Jordache Jeans, for heaven’s sake. (If you think that wasn’t a big deal to junior high kids, watch this video.) If Twitter had been a thing, Angie would have trended citywide by second period.

What made her so special? What made me re-feather my hair hourly as I pursued her?

Simple: She was the new girl. And the new girl always enthralls horny young boys.

Or, it turns out, horny old boys. Because that’s exactly what U.S. Sen. John Cornyn is acting like around D.C.’s latest political lothario.

You saw the latest example of Cornyn and Cruz’s heavy petting, right? During the confirmation hearings for new U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, the formerly staid Cornyn — high on the illicit thrills that arise from popping Tea Party amyl nitrate — voted “no” alongside his new squeeze.

The final Senate vote was 94-3, with only Cornyn, Cruz and climate-change-denier/crazy-train-three-way-partner Jim Inhofe voting against Kerry. (Inhofe I know well. He was mayor of Tulsa when I was in said junior high. He is the Dennis Hopper of this Blue Velvet remake.)

Why did the Texas duo vote against Kerry? Because theirs is a love you can’t understand, a passion for the ages, an affair that may set Washington tongues wagging but will be well understood by their real friends back in Texas.

Still, for the sake of decorum, the Lone Star legislators tried to keep up appearances. After their Senate floor tryst, the lovebirds gave us their excuses.

From Cruz:

Meanwhile, Cornyn could only get his mouth off Cruz’s sweet thin lips long enough to offer that he disapproved of Kerry’s “long history of liberal positions that are not consistent with a majority of Texans.”

C’mon. We’re not blind over here. We know that’s not the whole truth. For one, the idea that Cruz, a non-serving Canadian, and Cornyn, a non-serving former journalism major, would lecture Kerry on national security is a joke. Not that Kerry could hear their criticism anyway, what with his Silver Star, Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts shoved in his ears.

For two, even Politico has reported on Cornyn and Cruz, sittin’ in a tree. A wry public acknowledgment of their September-November romance is what this was really about.

Cruz wants the establishment to know that the silver-haired GILF he’s taken up with demonstrates his willingness to play ball with the GOP establishment. And Cornyn wants the New World Order to believe he’s not ashamed of snuggling with a cocksure Tea Partier in advance of his 2014 re-election bid — when he’ll need that Texas nut-job vote more than ever.

Cornyn certainly isn’t ashamed of this public display. Why should he be? Ted Cruz is his Angie. He knows that everyone in Texas understands that you’ve got to feather your hair hard and proud if you want to keep the hot new girl.

Elsewhere

Fascinating column by Gromer Jeffers Jr., suggesting that some Dallas Dems might try to convince former Dallas County District Judge John Creuzot to run against DA Craig Watkins in 2014. I used to work for Watkins during his 2010 campaign. Get me hammered sometime and I’ll tell you a lot of fun stories.

But, what I will say is that no one, not even John Wiley Price, polled higher among the base (consultant code for “black voters”) than Craig Watkins. Barring a Watkins meltdown, Creuzot would have to raise a ton of money just to have a shot, and he probably still wouldn't win. FWIW and IJS.

Did you know the mayor of Irving gives a “state of the city” address? It’s true. My version: “What the hell happened to our mall? Seriously, does it even have an Oak Tree anymore?”

Hey, it’s Mark Davis being ridiculous! Must be a weekday. (BTW: Military officers have given simple, practical reasons why gays and women be admitted into the military. Get off your Sean Hannity GeoCities forum and read them.)

Retweets

Again with the flow charts. He never shuts up about them.