Meet and Greet

Dallas' Rachel Lindsay charms us all on Bachelorette season premiere

Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay with her suitors.

Photo courtesy of ABC

As the 13th season of The Bachelorette commences, host Chris Harrison trots out his canned introduction: “Never have we seen anything like the outpouring of love and support for our new bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay.”

This time, though, it might actually be true.

It’s 2017, and “Bachelor Nation” and all those still lonely enough to be watching this show after 33 seasons, myself absolutely included, have been waiting 15 years for a person of color to helm the show. You guys, we had a black president before we had a black person deemed capable of commanding an audience for a dating show.

I don’t want this season to be all about the color of Rachel’s skin when she’s one of the few stars of this show who genuinely seems smart, successful, savvy, and interesting, but this casting decision was a long time coming, so let’s take a moment to celebrate Rachel. And later, we’ll drool over all the sexy black suitors who ABC rounded up for this milestone of diversity on television (and also one each of a Colombian-American and an Indian-American, because baby steps).

Once Rachel, the 32-year-old attorney from Dallas, settles in, the audience is treated to the obligatory introductions of a handful of suitors. Highlights include a pro-wrestler named “Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King,” who you just know will be making ring jokes for the entirety of his time on the show, and Blake, a personal trainer who is seemingly obsessed with his own manhood. Actual quote: “Women have told me about the amazingness of my penis.”

There’s also Josiah, a prosecuting attorney who reveals that his brother hung himself and that he, Josiah, had to cut his brother down from the tree when he was freaking 7 years old. And then he got arrested for burglary when he was 12, which set him on a path toward a legal career. This show just got super real. I wasn’t ready for that yet, Chris Harrison. Damn.

Oh, and we also meet Lucas, a cartoon character come to life. I hate him. More on him later.

Annnnyway, Rachel is ready to go back to the Bachelor mansion, and she thinks she needs some advice from some of the people who know her best: her friends and family. Just kidding, it’s some of the ladies from her season of The Bachelor, of course, cause after fighting over the same man for six weeks, y’all might as well be sisters, right? Half of Nick’s ladies have returned to give Rachel advice, since, you know, they’ve all been so wildly successful in love. Also, why is Raven so jaundiced? Did Nick give her hepatitis?

And then the limo exits commence. Each season, the limo exits get more and more outrageous. Some of these guys are keeping it simple and sincere. Some, like Brady, choose to break the ice by bringing a block of ice and literally breaking it with a hammer.

Blake, aka Mr. Talk-About-My-Dick-Constantly, comes in with a full marching band, which makes me question the legitimacy of his claims. What are we overcompensating for here, buddy? Also on the roster of props and gimmicks, we have a guitar; a Polaroid camera; a vacuum (still not sure what the joke was there); an Erkel costume; a squeaking penguin costume; an ambulance; Bible quotes; brownies; and an incredibly creepy doll called Adam Jr., who turns out to be my favorite ennui-filled, French speaking diversion of the episode.

Just when all the guys are starting to wonder if anyone there is crazy, Lucas, a corporeal Roger Rabbit doing an impression of Jim Carrey in The Mask, steps out of the limo. Did I mention I hate him? I hate him.

After explaining that he’s not here to play around (ready for commitment, marriage, etc.), Colombian hottie Bryan grabs Rachel sensually, pulls her in and plants a big, ol’ kiss on her. I hope Bryan keeps speaking Spanish and professing his willingness to commit, because it makes my ring finger twitch and my ovaries flutter.

As the night drags on, the men start circling Rachel like sharks. They’re pulling the “Excuse me, but can I steal her for just a second?” move left and right, and poor Rachel is totally overwhelmed. Meanwhile, Whaboom — I mean Lucas — the human equivalent of old silly putty covered in lint and Axe body spray, is trying to put on a show for the dudes, but literally no one cares about his middle-school-theater-kid-who-just-drank-12-Red-Bulls routine.

Toward the end of the evening, Rachel decides she’s seen enough of her men to hand out the first impression rose. And the winner is ... Colombian hottie Bryan! If Rachel doesn’t end up with him, can I have him?

Later, the rose ceremony commences, and Rachel says goodbye to no one you cared about anyway, with the possible exception of Mo, who was too nervous to talk to Rachel and just got hammered instead. We’ve all been there, buddy.

Next week, maybe we’ll find out what has Adam Jr. so filled with existential dread. And maybe Whaboom will finally shake something loose in his head and be carted away in an ambulance, never to return. One can only hope.

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Movie Review

Alexander Skarsgård commands the bold, offbeat drama Pillion

Photo courtesy of A24

Alexander Skarsgård and Harry Melling in Pillion.

Describing the new movie Pillion is almost an act of futility. It contains a variety of seemingly disparate parts that coalesce into a whole to make it utterly fascinating. Few other recent films have been able to walk the line between filthy and wholesome in quite the way this one does, and that’s only because few other filmmakers would actually dare to try.

It centers on Colin (Harry Melling), a meek man in his mid-thirties who still lives at home with his parents, Pete (Douglas Hodge) and Peggy (Lesley Sharp), while working a dead-end job giving out parking tickets. While performing in a barbershop quartet at his local pub, Colin catches the eye of biker Ray (Alexander Skarsgård), who summons him for a clandestine hook-up the following day (which just so happens to be Christmas Day).

With barely a word exchanged between them, Ray establishes a dominance over Colin that quickly leads to them starting a relationship in which Colin does anything Ray asks. And that means more than just sex: Colin, whether desperate for any kind of affection or unlocking a side of himself he hadn’t known, readily agrees to cook, clean, shop, and basically do whatever else Ray wants him to do.

Written and directed by first-time feature filmmaker Harry Lighton, the film is astonishing in the way it’s able to mine humor from Colin and Ray’s atypical bond. To call Ray “unfeeling” might not be totally accurate, but the way he treats Colin borders on cruel. However, the way Lighton structures the film, it’s easy to understand why someone like Colin would be willing to go along with the situation. It’s both hilarious and heartbreaking to see Colin debase himself in a variety of ways.

On the flip side is Colin’s heartfelt arc with his parents. It’s established right away that Peggy, who is sick with cancer, is a bit too involved with Colin’s love life, with the opening scene featuring her setting him up on a blind date. But their easy acceptance of his queerness and desire to see him find love is as heartwarming as it gets. The juxtaposition between the wholesomeness of their family and Colin’s new life is also the source of a good amount of comedy.

Lighton does not shy away from the sexual side of Colin and Ray’s relationship, and the scenes he depicts are as graphic as you are likely to see in an R-rated film. Some go up to and a little past what might be expected in a mainstream movie (including the use of a certain fake appendage). Other times they play out in a comical way to illustrate just how far Colin has progressed from the person he was when the film started.

Skarsgård, who stole the show in the Charli XCX movie The Moment, is the attraction in more ways than one in this film. The part calls for someone who’s not only impossibly handsome, but also a person who can stop dissent with just a glance, and he lives up to both qualities equally well. Melling, best known for playing Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter movies, also embodies his role perfectly. He plays Colin as weak enough to be run roughshod over by Ray, but not so hopeless as to not be worth rooting for.

Pillion (which is the name of the secondary seat on a motorcycle on which Colin rides multiple times in the film) operates at a storytelling level that is difficult to achieve. Many people will not fully understand the film’s central relationship, but the way it is showcased by Lighton makes it compelling, gut-wrenching, and sexy.

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Pillion is now playing in theaters.

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