Consider J.R. Ewing the Dowager Countess of Southfork. Quick with a quip even in his dotage (he’ll be eulogized by episode eight), J.R. has a way of snapping off the end of his conversations with lesser mortals the way Dame Maggie Smith’s character does on Downton Abbey.
Notice how young actor Josh Henderson, playing J.R. and Sue Ellen’s son, John Ross, tries more each week to sound like Larry Hagman as this reboot of Dallas moves toward Hagman’s death. Good luck with that.
In this week’s episode — No. 4, if you’re counting — writer Taylor Hamra gave old J.R. some doozies in the dialogue department. “Like invitin’ a vampire into our home,” he says of John Ross’ “cavortin’” with Ewing enemy Pamela Barnes (Julie Gonzalo).
They’ve pumped so many bullets into so many characters, the series could be sponsored by the NRA.
And when J.R.’s little brother takes the rap for last week’s shooting of family nemesis Harris Ryland (actually, Bobby’s wife Ann pulled the trigger), J.R. observes that he won’t try talking Bobby out of being valiant: “I’ve got a better chance of winning the Good Samaritan award.”
Theme of this episode: “Drillin’ in the wrong direction,” a reference to a Southfork oil well operation sabotaged by John Ross. Also applies to John Ross’ bedroom explorations with the oily temptress, Pamela, and to his wooing of her daddy, Cliff Barnes, to double-cross J.R.
It also applies to the clunky plotting this season. They’ve dredged up too many old Dallas rivalries and pumped so many bullets into so many characters, the series could be sponsored by the NRA. They’re even playing “Who shot Harris Ryland?,” with that character, played by Mitch Pileggi, coming out of his coma and implicating Bobby as the would-be murderer, not real shooter Ann (Brenda Strong, weeping buckets as always).
Light in the darkness: The great Judith Light plays this season's biggest heavy. She's Harris Ryland’s mother, making her Ann Ewing’s ex-mom-in-law and grandmother to Ann’s long-lost daughter. (Their family tree has to be a weeping willow.)
This week, Miss Light, beige hair wrapped up in a vicious French twist, delivered a soliloquy at her son’s hospital bedside, where she spat out words of hate about Ann. Then, in a moment right out of Shakespearean soap opera, she whispered in comatose Harris’ ear: “Sleep well. Gather your strength. When you wake, you will be king once more.”
She’d be better if she dropped that community theater Streetcar Named Desire accent.
Judith Light would be better if she dropped that community theater Streetcar Named Desire accent.
Real Dallas actors with screen time: Ochre House Theatre’s Matthew Posey had four good scenes this week as the bought-off drilling foreman working on the sly for John Ross Ewing. Posey can guzzle fake booze and act, and chew food and act, all while wearing double denim (which can’t be said for some of the stars of this series).
Longtime Dallas stage actress Pam Dougherty pounded a gavel with great conviction as a judge. (We hear she was wearing Birkenstocks under her judicial robes in that scene.) Uptown Players’ stage manager Cathy O’Neal was in the gallery in the courtroom scene.
We’ve been there: White Rock Lake got name-checked as the site where the corpse of murdered Tommy Sutter (killed last season) was discovered. And the first sight of original Dallas series veteran Ken Kercheval, back as Cliff Barnes, came in a secret meeting with John Ross in what looked like the empty audience section of Gexa Energy Pavilion at Fair Park.
No reason was given why ol’ Cliff was sitting around the empty venue. Grabbing an early seat for One Direction perhaps?
CSI: Dallas: Aforementioned Sutter corpse was given the CSI gruesome close-up treatment in a montage showing bullets extracted from the moldering flesh. Then, to a pounding score of tough guitar chords, they ran through some zippily edited ballistics tests. This episode was directed by San Antonio native Stephen Herek, who directed the feature films Mr. Holland’s Opus and The Mighty Ducks.
Sue Ellen as Cassandra: Like a seer from mythology, Sue Ellen Ewing (Linda Gray, growing more fabulous by the week) warns son John Ross about the consequences of bringing Cliff Barnes back into their lives. “Be prepared to face the full weight of his fury,” she says of J.R.’s wrath.
Hard scene to swallow: “Smiling Frank” (Fahran Tahrir), the Barnes family muscle, was arrested for last season’s murder of Tommy Sutter. In court Frank blurted out that he also murdered Tommy’s sister, Becky.
As the extras in the courtroom mumbled “watermelon, watermelon,” Frank pulled a cyanide capsule out of his pocket and swallowed it, a grabbed-from-headlines twist from this real-life case.
Coming up: J.R. disappears. Bobby is framed for attempted murder. Keep those tear ducts clear, Annie!
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New episodes of Dallas air at 8 pm Mondays, with repeats online and on cable’s TNT.
Larry Hagman and Josh Henderson on Dallas.
Figure skater Mariah Bell. Getty Images