Real Housewives of Dallas face off in final round of trash talk and tears

If you watch them — and you do so stop pretending you don’t — you know that a Real Housewives series isn’t over until Bravo network’s resident host, Andy Cohen, sits down with all the women for a weepy reunion episode. Real Housewives of Dallas ended June 19 with LeeAnne, Tiffany, Stephanie, Brandi, Marie, Cary, and Cary’s plastic surgeon husband Mark facing off for a final round of confessions and insults.

So. Much. Crying.

It got ugly quickly, this dressed-up, well-coiffed game of crones. There were accusations, recriminations, and the revelation of a restraining order taken out by Marie Reyes (looking especially fresh-faced) against charity champion LeeAnne Locken after some rather dire verbal and texted threats from the latter.

We also learned that Brandi Redmond’s husband Bryan, who didn’t want to be part of RHOD in the first place, threatened divorce after she confronted him on camera about his too-frequent business trips and poor communication skills at home. (They’re fine now, she says, and she and the kids sometimes travel with him. They also renewed their vows last September.)

Over 75 minutes, Andy hit on all the major points of discord among the cast members and read emailed questions from viewers, which the ladies sorta-kinda answered. Yes, Cary Deuber called LeeAnne a social climber.

“I’m not a Hunt, I’m not a Cox,” snarled LeeAnne, pronouncing those names carefully (think about it).

“In a galaxy of ridiculous conversations ... I can’t believe I’m asking this question ... did you poop in a bag?" Andy asked LeeAnne.

“It was a basket,” LeeAnne clarified, putting a capper on the crapping story that was a major topic in each of RHOD’s 10 episodes.

Tiffany Hendra was asked if she’d really done porn. No, but she was nekkid in episodes of a mildly R-rated adult drama series on Skinemax, erm, Cinemax. She said she’s now in “Christian counseling.” Perhaps acting lessons would also be helpful.

On a set resembling a hastily built hacienda, and wearing tight, jewel-toned dresses — some one-shouldered, some with strategic cut-outs — the housewives rehashed their clashes. Like the time Tiffany shoved LeeAnne. (She didn’t realize she’d done it until she saw the footage, she said.) And how LeeAnne and Heidi Dillon (not present for the reunion) spread gossip about how Cary met and married Dr. Deuber.

Was he still married when they met? Yes. Did they date while he was married? No, insisted Cary, who cry-talked her way through the timeline of her and Mark’s relationship.

“Did you pick out Cary’s frock today?” Andy asked Mark, who was often shown on RHOD shopping for and dressing his wife in designer Roberto Cavalli’s sparkliest, sexiest dresses and gowns. He “approved” the glittery high-heeled sandals for her reunion appearance, said Mark, the only spouse to appear on the reunion. But for Cary’s 40th birthday he bought her “her first Birkin bag,” he said. (Starting price for those at Hermès is $11,500.)

Andy also asked Mark if he’d ever cross-dressed. “I haven’t gotten there yet,” said the doctor.

Though LeeAnne claims to have entered anger management therapy since filming ended on the series, she sounds as if she has a ways to go toward finding her Zen. “Are you all right, honey? Do you need a tampon?” she said to Dr. Deuber during a tense moment on the reunion show. To quote Stephanie Hollman about another of LeeAnne’s outbursts: classy.

LeeAnne could’ve come out of Real Housewives of Dallas as a real star and a positive symbol of this city’s elite “charity world,” as she always referred to it. It’s probably what she was aiming for when she signed on, and it’s a shame she let her defensive “carny kid” side overpower the part of her who wants to be a socialite do-gooder whom others could admire.

Even Andy Cohen seemed annoyed by LeeAnne’s snapping turtle personality.

“What do you do?” Andy asked her on Sunday night’s show.

“Charity,” LeeAnne answered.

“Is spreading trash about [Cary’s] marriage charity?” said Andy.

Throwing to commercial, he added, “Okay, we’re gonna air this place out.” Ouch.

The most likable Dallas housewives turned out to be Brandi and her bestie Stephanie (who reside, by the way, in Plano and Irving, respectively). Even with their sloppy “Jesus juice” afternoon bitch sessions, which did make for the most entertaining moments on RHOD, these two seem like genuinely nice, remarkably quick-witted young women who care about their families and about each other as friends.

After production ended, Stephanie said Sunday night, she “found my voice” in her previously one-sided marriage. Hubby Travis was a bit too controlling, always leaving her lists of chores to do while he was at work.

Winding up the RHOD reunion, and probably the series, which has not had a second season announced, Andy Cohen said, “We can say goodbye to poop talk.”

No shit, Andy.

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Watch the reunion and previous episodes of Real Housewives of Dallas online.