This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas opens in … WAIT. Where are we? Are … are we in Dubai?
Oh, no, sorry, that’s just Stephanie and Travis’ ridiculously ostentatious new house. You know, the one that Travis bid $5 million for without consulting Stephanie. The one with the pool in the living room. This monstrosity.
The good news is that Heidi Dillon lives across the street. If you recall, she’s the “queen of the Dallas charity scene” (Bravo’s words, not mine) who asked Cary to deep-throat a corn dog at her gothic fair-themed party last season. Needless to say, Stephanie isn’t thrilled with her new neighbor.
The designer arrives at the house, and Stephanie immediately starts planning how to cover the pool, because, you know, she has children and dogs, and who the hell puts a pool in the living room of a house, anyway? During this conversation, Travis reveals his incredibly tacky taste in home décor, but, because he bought the house without asking, Stephanie gets to redecorate as she sees fit. Evidently this is the key to their happy marriage: act first, ask questions later.
Next up, we get more awkward marital moments with Brandi and Bryan at the gynecologist’s office. Bryan looks right at a model of a vagina and asks sincerely, “What is that?” Men everywhere lean forward in anticipation of finally learning what the heck that thing does. Sorry, guys. Instead, we’re here to talk about babies!
Brandi wants another kid, preferably a boy to carry on Bryan’s family name. The bad news is that she had a “mommy makeover” about a year prior, and they somehow sewed her back up in a way that would make it difficult for a baby to grow properly, should she get pregnant again. She also explains that she found out a while back that she had been pregnant but had miscarried before she even knew she was pregnant, and for some reason, she’s blaming this on her “mommy makeover.” The doctor assures her that should Bryan decide to sire a male heir, it ought to work out.
Elsewhere, LeeAnne and D’Andra meet for lunch, and D’Andra can’t help but immediately ask LeeAnne what the heck she was thinking attending Stephanie’s Halloween party dressed as a two-faced version of the hostess. “You cannot go to somebody’s home, make fun of them, and then go write an inspirational quote on your Facebook page,” she says, as LeeAnne tries desperately to defend her indefensible behavior.
LeeAnne explains that she thinks Stephanie is a social climber, and for some reason, that really, really bothers her. D’Andra tells LeeAnne that by behaving in such a way, she’s stooping to Stephanie’s level (though I’m still not clear on how Stephanie has wronged LeeAnne personally), which seems to excite LeeAnne. There’s the crazy carnie from last season I’ve been waiting for!
As a sidenote, D’Andra has been lovely, if not a little boring thus far, but I am living for her scolding LeeAnne while furiously gesticulating with her reading glasses. Looks like she is her mother’s daughter after all.
And then we’re treated to the
Annual Irony Luncheon Annual PositiviTea Luncheon, which LeeAnne evidently is chairing this year. Because, you know, she’s just the picture of positivity now. Actually, it’s an HIV charity, but still. She ain’t really in a position to be giving motivational speeches. I will give LeeAnne this, though: She is a very good public speaker.
Brandi, Kameron, and D’Andra also are attending the event, and as soon as Heidi Dillon joins the gang, Kameron and Heidi start trying to one-up each other with talk of their Roberto Cavalli dog clothes. LeeAnne quips that her dog just has a hot dog costume to match mommy’s. Brandi says that she tried to convince LeeAnne to dress the dog up as a can of beans, so they could have been "frank and beans." Kameron immediately jumps in and applauds Brandi’s cleverness, claiming that something so awesome would never even be in her vocabulary. Um, I thought you were supposed to be a smart blonde, Kameron …
Talk soon turns to Stephanie and Travis’ new home purchase. Fresh on the heels of a lovely motivational speech, LeeAnne starts talking shit, saying that Stephanie is desperate to be a part of Dallas society. Brandi, who scoffs at “Dallas society,” seems displeased with LeeAnne, particularly now that she and Stephanie have mended fences.
Later, D’Andra meets with mommy dearest to discuss changes she wants to make to the company, like different packaging, new products, and an office refurb. Mommy isn’t having it, though, and D’Andra wonders if she’ll ever be allowed to take over the company while her overbearing (and over-eyeshadowed) mother is still alive.
Finally, we catch up with Cary, who’s meeting Kameron for drinks. They are beyond excited to be out, at night, enjoying the “younger scene.” Ladies, you may be medically enhanced, but I guarantee your boobs are perkier, your waists are smaller, and your faces are tighter than any of the young ’uns at that bar. When Cary brings up Zuri’s impending birthday party, Kameron addresses her perceived issues with Brandi. She thinks Brandi has been cold to her, and she figures it’s because she, Kameron, lives in Dallas, while Brandi lives on the outskirts. Ouch.
Across town, newly reinstated BFFs Brandi and Stephanie go out on a “first date” and immediately begin taking tequila shots to cut the tension. Brandi apprises Stephanie of the gossip about her new house, then Stephanie asks Brandi if she has her Kameron impression down yet. And does she ever! Brandi is remarkably good at impressions.
In the cold light of day, D’Andra meets with her mother, determined to give her a piece of her mind. She explains that she needs more control to implement her ideas. Mommy dearest gets choked up and says she couldn’t stand for D’Andra to fail, so no, D’Andra cannot have more control until she understands finances or something. D’Andra is terrified of her mother, so she says OK and scurries back to her closet to hide among her ball gowns.
Brandi goes to visit Stephanie at what she has dubbed “Chateau What-the-Fuck,” and together they decide to prank call new neighbor Heidi Dillon. Brandi puts on her best demon voice and says “Heidi, you’ve been a really bad girl,” and “Heidi, I love you.” These kids really need to brush up on their prank call skills.
Back at the Deubers' house, Cary prepares for Zuri’s fourth birthday by wrangling some ponies and a lemur (random) for her guests. During the party, Stephanie reveals to Cary and Kameron that Brandi doesn’t allow LeeAnne in her home, because even though they’re friends, she doesn’t want LeeAnne around her children. Yikes.
The next awkward reveal comes from Brandi, who gifts Cary and Stephanie with bottles of Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire before inviting them to accompany her on a trip to Tennessee. This all goes down in front of Kameron, who makes things more awkward by announcing, “Don’t worry, it’s not awkward at all that you gave them gifts in front of me like this.” Kameron then proceeds to school Brandi on etiquette, while Cary and Stephanie (and all their kids) stand around unsure of what to say.
Brandi gets sassy and says she did it intentionally because she was trying to be a mean girl, and Kameron takes this literally, then asks if she and Brandi need to have a talk. I’m not convinced Kameron’s dumb blonde act is really an act. That girl is dense.
As Brandi leaves the party, Kameron continues to make the situation worse by complaining to anyone who will listen (the only person is Court, and that’s just because he’s married to her) about Brandi’s etiquette and the fact that everyone got a pink gift but her.
Man, it must be hard to be Kameron. She’s so easily vexed. And so blonde. And so rich. What a life!