Bachelorette Rachel is a Swiss miss this week in the Alps

Whew, it’s been two whole weeks since we left Rachel in Scandinavia, and now we’re in Geneva, Switzerland, “an amazing city to fall in love in” (but aren’t they all?).

It’s the week before hometowns, and Rachel announces that, because things are coming down to the wire, there will be no rose ceremony this week — she will just give out roses on three one-on-one dates and a three-on-one group date. Bryan is the lucky recipient of the first date, which is great because he has to go change clothes to get ready, which means he has to take his shirt off. Thanks, baby.

Rachel and Bryan’s date is a high-end extravaganza that begins with driving a Bentley around town to get immersed in the luxurious Geneva culture. Bentleys are British, but whatever. Rachel does know that the electronic quartz wristwatch was invented in Switzerland, though, so props for that. She and Bryan try on super swanky watches, and Rachel insists upon buying watches for both of them, but I suspect it was the show that just bought Bryan a multi-thousand-dollar watch, not Rachel.

Back at the super fabulous Swiss hotel, Matt (I know, I know, who the hell is Matt?) explains that he wants to be the broom that sweeps Rachel off her feet. Great analogy, bro.

A date card arrives, and Dean gets his second one-on-one date, but he reveals he doesn’t really want to introduce Rachel to his family. It seems there is some sort of yet-to-be-revealed skeleton in young Dean’s closet.

At dinner, Rachel reiterates that Bryan is too good to be true. She has some questions about his history, and he says he came from a wonderful, loving household, because of course you did, perfect Bryan. He admits that his last relationship was “passionate and hot and heavy in a short amount of time.” The girl ended up breaking up with him because she didn’t see eye-to-eye with his mom, so meeting families is a big deal for him. To no one’s surprise, though, he readily accepts the hometown date rose when Rachel offers it. And then a live string quartet starts playing, because this is Swiss luxury, kiddos.

The next day, Dean’s date begins with a trip to attend Catholic mass ... in French. Evidently Rachel hates Dean. Mass in English is difficult enough to sit through, but at least I know what they’re saying. But faith is an important part of Rachel’s life, so she wants a partner who can hang with her in church. After the service, they stroll around the streets, and Rachel masters walking on cobblestones in spike heels. She even manages to dance while a street musician with a huge, fluffy cat plays a wind-up music box.

In an aside to the camera, Dean reveals that his family is “not traditional,” and he’s worried about their dynamics should he bring Rachel home to meet them.

“Rachel has no idea what she would be walking into, if she would commit to a hometown,” Dean says ominously. Man, I hope the show throws a curve ball and his parents are cannibals or nudists or something.

Rachel tries to have a serious conversation with Dean, and he completely deflects by asking her if she believes in the tooth fairy and what her favorite dinosaur is. She laughs at first, but then becomes visibly frustrated. Dean looks incredibly uncomfortable and replies simply with “You’re so pretty.” COME ON, DEAN.

Back at the hotel, the men get a date card, and even though neither Adam nor Matt have ever had a one-on-one, they’re stuck on another group date with Eric.

At dinner, Rachel calls Dean out on his inability to have a serious conversation. He starts visibly sweating and says, “I really, really like you.” Use your words, Dean! He finally admits that the potential of a hometown date is freaking him out and making him nervous. Apparently after his mother passed away, his father failed to provide him with the affection he needed. He describes his father as “eccentric” and claims that his father abandoned him at the most vulnerable part of his life.

Rachel assures him that she’s not looking for a family exactly like her own and that she appreciates him opening up. And even though Dean seems to have few redeeming qualities at this point, Rachel offers him a rose, and he accepts. So I guess next week we’re going to Aspen to meet Dean’s weirdo father.

On Peter’s date, Rachel commandeers a helicopter for a trip to the Alps. They land on Glacier 3000 for a cozy, romantic cuddle in a dog sled with the sled captain hovering silently behind them.

Peter says that he definitely wants to bring Rachel home to meet his family, and while he has never dated a black woman, he knows it won’t be an issue. He also tells Rachel about the end of his last relationship, in which he left his ex-girlfriend standing on a street corner while he drove away with all his things. Very dramatic.

Rachel is a little scared by his honesty, though, because she worries he’ll once again find himself in a place where he can’t commit. She’s concerned that he won’t be ready to propose to her at the end of this, but I would give extra props to a guy who won’t propose to a woman he’s only been dating — along with 30 other men — for six weeks. But I don’t know, that’s just me. Regardless, Peter gets the rose.

On the group date, Rachel and her fellas hop on a boat across Lake Geneva to France. In an aside to the camera, Rachel reveals she has a “soft spot” for Matt. When has she ever spoken more than two words to that dude?

Rachel and Matt talk privately, and Rachel almost immediately starts crying, telling him that he reminds her so much of herself. She wishes they had time to cultivate the relationship more and get to know each other better, and she sends him home through some pretty intense tears. Matt bows out gracefully, taking his champagne with him.

Adam gives Rachel a long, heartfelt talk, only half of which I registered, because it was just a little too genuine for this show. Eric admits that he’s never brought a girl home, and on top of that, he’s never seen a healthy relationship from his parents or family members, as he had a rough upbringing in Baltimore. Rachel appreciates his honesty, though, because she offers up the final hometown rose to Eric.

This episode ends with very little fanfare, as there is no rose ceremony or lingering drama. What we get instead is a preview of Dean’s dad, who appears to be some sort of Eastern spiritual leader, complete with long beard, turban, and decorative scarves littering the living room. This is so much better than my cannibal theory. I can’t wait.