The Real Housewives of Dallas are mad as hatters at afternoon tea

If LeeAnne was ever on the fence about not having children, this week’s opening montage of The Real Housewives of Dallas should help her rest easy in her childless-ness.

Cary and Zuri are hanging out at home, having a riveting conversation about what the colors on the stoplight mean. Stephanie is making Cruz repeat her own affirmations that she’s awesome. Brandi is getting smacked in the head with a pillow by Brooklyn while Brinkley screams at the top of her lungs.

LeeAnne, meanwhile, is gliding into the Essential Energy Fall Reception perfectly coiffed and made up in a tight red dress and sipping wine while networking with other “professional women.” Kids are great and all, but LeeAnne is clearly winning this round of life.

She’s at the event to speak about overcoming obstacles and learning not to quit. Like when your friends seem two-faced, this is an obstacle you have to overcome, and you should never quit publicly shaming them. Or something about abandonment issues and difficult childhoods, which D’Andra can relate to, because her parents got divorced when she was young, and her father was an alcoholic. Also, we’ve met mommy dearest.

Back in the land of tiny monsters children, Brandi is trying to convince her daughters to go to bed. I don’t know if these girls legitimately never have been disciplined in their lives or they really are just wild beasts, but pretty much every suggestion Brandi makes — from “Why don’t we get ready for bed?” to “Don’t you want a baby brother?” — is met with a high-pitched chorus of “nooooooooooo!” It also sounds like Bryan does the bare minimum in terms of parenting: keeping the girls alive but providing no additional support. And yet, Brandi wants another kid. So, if you were wondering if she’s crazy, there’s your answer.

Speaking of crazy, LeeAnne’s moment of empowerment following her motivational speech is quickly undermined by some friend of hers named Jay who starts trash talking Cary and encourages LeeAnne to join in. D’Andra immediately calls out LeeAnne on her hypocrisy, while Kameron smiles and nods, not really sure whose side she’s on.

To keep the ladies from talking behind each other’s backs, D’Andra is going to host a tea party complete with finger sandwiches and an airing of grievances. She’s calling it an “Honestea.” Get it? So clever.

Over at Cary and Mark’s house, Mark seems increasingly frustrated with the amount of attention Cary lavishes upon their daughter, and Court and Kameron arrive at the Deubers' for dinner. Here is what we learn at dinner: Kameron is still pissed she didn’t get invited to visit Brandi’s grandfather in Tennessee, and Mark is a surprisingly good cook but a completely ineffectual parent.

In case you forgot LeeAnne was once a carny (she really hasn’t reminded us much this season), she and her boyfriend, Rich, hit up the State Fair, which she describes as “home, sweet home.” At the fair, LeeAnne shows her carny prowess, using tricks of the trade to win a couple of giant stuffed animals before taking home the ultimate prize — an engagement ring. That’s right, after eight years of dating, ol’ Rich finally pops the question, and it is pretty damn cute. He arranges for the ring to be a prize in the dart-balloon-popping game (do these games have actual names?), and then he proposes surrounded by obese strangers chewing on turkey legs, under the creepy, watchful eye of Big Tex.

Next, we go from carnies to crumpets, as D’Andra prepares for the “Honestea,” claiming, “Every debutante knows how to throw a proper tea party. It’s like Society 101 in Dallas.” Evidently, “Society 101” is a theory class, as opposed to a practicum, ‘cause while D’Andra might understand how to throw a tea party, she’s doing exactly none of the work.

Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies are getting ready. LeeAnne has decided not to wear her new bling to the tea to avoid prying questions about when she’s getting married, and Cary, Stephanie, and Brandi are pre-gaming and wondering what the big deal is about living in Dallas proper (aka Highland Park) and being a part of Dallas society.

The best part of all this is that the women are dressed in their tea party finest, which seems to have been interpreted in myriad ways. LeeAnne is wearing what appears to be a hippie wedding dress from the 1970s, while Kameron is continuing her Elle Woods impression in a pink skirt suit. Brandi is wearing her grandmother’s fur capelet, and Stephanie could be coming from a debutante ball in all white. D’Andra is sporting the weirdest veiled bowler hat I have ever seen, while the rest of the ladies have fascinators stuck to the sides of their heads at precipitous angles.

Kameron is instantly annoyed that Brandi had the audacity to arrive in a white limo and in a dress that, while pink, is too short and too revealing for a proper tea. Brandi tries to mend fences with Kameron by offering her a gift identical to the ones she gave Cary and Stephanie when she invited them to Tennessee (shiny pink bag, bottle of Jack Daniels), but Kameron uses it as an opportunity to remark on how awkward it is that Brandi didn’t bring gifts for D’Andra and LeeAnne before railing on her for using the f-word. Give it a rest, etiquette Barbie!

This all takes place before the Honestea has even officially started. D’Andra explains that every lady will get slips of paper upon which they can write questions for the other ladies, and then the questions will be drawn out of a teapot and read aloud.

Up first: “Brandi, why is LeeAnne not allowed at your house?” Brandi explains that it’s because of LeeAnne’s past behavior, and LeeAnne apologizes. Then Kameron has to jump in, asking Brandi why LeeAnne wasn’t invited to Memphis. This devolves into a rehashing of the original gift-giving moment, in which both Brandi and Kameron are questioning each other’s manners. Brandi calls Kameron a bitch (which, let’s be real, Kameron, you were being a bitch), before storming off and returning to half-assedly make up with Kameron.

Next, the conversation turns to some dude named Jared, a friend of LeeAnne who apparently is spreading rumors that LeeAnne doesn’t actually like Brandi and that Mark is “100 percent gay.” To Cary’s credit, she notes it’s offensive to the LGBT community to use that as an insult.

Cary is sure this rumor has come from LeeAnne, who, we find out, is getting plastic surgery soon, and there are questions surrounding the credentials of her doctor. Cary insists the doctor is an OB/GYN who is not board certified in plastic surgery, while LeeAnne calls Cary a bitch because, damnit, her doctor has all the certifications.

Then LeeAnne takes it a step further, asking Cary why she acts like a condescending c-word all the time, and D’Andra, bedazzled gavel in hand, starts frantically ringing bells and banging gavels to shut that shit down. After initially walking away, Cary attempts to be the bigger person and returns to the Honestea just in time to catch LeeAnne crying about how her mother never wanted her. D’Andra is having none of that sob story, though, rolling her eyes and telling LeeAnne her “bullshit meter is off the chart.” LeeAnne dissolves into tears, crying, “I don’t want to hurt people!”

Brandi rushes to LeeAnne’s side, pinning Cary’s arm in between them in the process. In the awkward sob-fest that ensues, Cary tries to extricate her arm, Stephanie starts double-fisting cocktails, and D’Andra produces full-body eye rolls, which I didn’t even know was possible.

Once the emotions return to slightly above equilibrium (let’s face it, they’re never normal), Cary proposes that everyone — yes, that means you too, drunk LeeAnne — take a trip together to Mexico.

“I don’t think we should answer any more questions from the teapot,” LeeAnne slurs, her makeup slowly melting into clown-like features. Clearly, you can take the girl out of the carnival, but she’s still gonna be mad as a hatter.