Listen, I’ve had just about enough from you “smart alecks” and your alleged comedic stylings. I’m looking at you, Zachary Crain, bearded funnyman lothario of D Magazine (blogger profile here). I’m pointing an accusatory finger at you, Joseph Tone, oh-so-hilarious Dallas Observer editor-slash-barstool-warmer (blogger/SlideShare profile here).

These supposed “journalists” think they bring mirth to Dallas, but in truth they are nothing more than scallywags. And I don’t mean white Southerners who supported Lincoln’s emancipation policies after the Civil War, which you would only believe if you were some liberal word-lover and therefore into silly etymological distinctions. No, I mean to say they are rascals! Scamps, even!

Some background:

It came to full light this week that Norman Green, former Dallas Stars owner, and the Woodall Rodgers Park Foundation were planning to install an ice rink in Klyde Warren Park.

This prompted immediate and not-unexpected derision from the appointed blog commanders at Frontburner and Unfair Park. At the former, chief Internet typer Bradford Pearson listed five problems he had with the idea of a deck park ice rink in Dallas. Now, two of those concerns assumed the rink would be constructed of real ice, which is incorrect. (It will be interlocking panels of synthetic ice.) But that’s understandable that he missed this, because the word “synthetic” is way down in the Biz Journal’s story.

Pearson finally cleared up his misconceptions and then 100 percent endorsed the idea, thank goodness.

Meanwhile, over at Unfair Park, Eric Nicholson posted a fairly straightforward news story about the synthetic wonderland, asking the completely appropriate question: “Why the hell not?” (Which to me also signals that he freaking gets it.)

Then along come Crain and Tone to ruin the fun.

Crain posted what seemed like an awesome idea on its face. First he noted that all the kick-ass things in the deck park meant that Klyde Warren was in danger of “running out of usable real estate, what with the dog park, the children’s area, the performance stage, the putting green, Ping-Pong tables, the T-shirt cannon firing range, the Bonnie and Klyde improv troupe’s theater, and so on.” So he suggested putting a deck over the deck park, which sounds wonderful. (He even included a to-scale drawing.)

However, three sources close to Crain have told me on background that he was being sarcastic. (All three sources were female and don’t even start their evenings until 1 am, so you can trust them.)

I needed no such reporting to confirm that Tone’s tone was one of contumely and scorn. On something called “The MixMaster” (personal DJ blog for his side gig at The Dram, perhaps?), Tone suggested alternate headlines for the Klyde Warren story. They ranged from mocking (“Whew. For a Second There It Seemed Like They Wanted Us to Have a Picnic or Something.”) to very mocking (“It Sort of Seems Like That Little Klyde Warren Kid is Actually In Charge of This Park”).

Were the fake headlines funny? Hysterical Seriously, I LOLed again just now when copying and pasting the examples here. Like, 80 percent of them made me hard-giggle.

Which is the problem! How are we supposed to accept this free gift from Mr. Green if we can’t stop laughing at the very idea? Look, the rink will only be up in the winter months (November to February) to attract folks who want to fake ice skate when it’s not really cold outside. What doesn’t make sense about that? And did I mention it’s free? I love free things!

So quit with the Milton Berle routine, guys. (The jokes, I mean.) Even though synthetic ice “feels like a cutting board” and wears out skates faster and requires more effort and therefore “skaters report to miss out on the fun of effortless skating,” it’s still free and I want it. I want everything at the park they can fit in: ice rinks and bowling alleys and skeet shooting and perhaps a high-class brothel, because it sounds like I’ll need something to relax me after a hard, sunny day of fake ice skating.

Elsewhere

Jason Whitely reporting that the American Airlines-US Airways merger might go down next week. Which means it’s almost 2 am, CEO Tom Horton has ordered his last Bud Light Lime, and US Air is the only one at the bar.

Retweets

Later? But I’m ready for a PowerPoint presentation now, over coffee!

Former Stars owner Norman Green and the Woodall Rodgers Park Foundation want to install a synthetic-ice rink at Klyde Warren Park from November to February.

Photo by Jerry McClure

Former Stars owner Norman Green and the Woodall Rodgers Park Foundation want to install a synthetic-ice rink at Klyde Warren Park from November to February.