Mad Hatter’s Tea caps a poopy episode of Real Housewives of Dallas

Hats off to the cast of Real Housewives of Dallas, the latest installment in the worldwide franchise. They have wasted no time gettin’ all up in each other’s lip gloss about trivial issues. This week it was about rude headwear and a certain housewife’s verbal diarrhea.

Titled “Mad as a Hatter,” the episode took its ladies and viewers to the Mad Hatter’s Tea & Luncheon, the annual fancy-fancy fundraiser put on by the Women’s Council of the Dallas Arboretum. With tickets ranging from $350 to $35,000 (for a table), the party is pretend Ascot sans the horse race. It’s just about hats. Big hats. Outrageous hats. (This year’s luncheon just happens to be April 21 — and we'll have a recap.)

Saucy Brandi Redmond decides she’ll make her own hat for the tea party. Now lead (unmarried) housewife LeeAnne Locken, the not-so-rich society doyenne, likes to knock younger, ginger-haired, rung-climber Brandi for acting shallow and tacky. LeeAnne, who says she “grew up a carny kid,” is quick to remind anyone within spitting distance that Brandi was a Cowboys cheerleader. Brandi calls LeeAnne “Miss Dallas Charity 24/7.”

In Housewives terms, these two have the snake/mongoose chemistry of RHONY’s Bethenny and Dorinda. Claws are always out with these gals. Nicely polished in Essie’s latest spring pastels, natch.

Brandi’s homemade hat turns into a hot-glued hot mess covered in what looks like mounds of Spanish moss, Easter grass, plastic dogs, and teeny tiny turds. It’s the size of a beach umbrella. If she finished the outfit with fishnets, a red one-piece swimsuit, and a little American flag, Brandi could play Little Edie in Grey Gardens.

About those turds. From RHOD’s premiere last week, you might remember that Brandi loves talking shit about shit. She had already incurred LeeAnne’s wrath by mentioning No. 2 at the No Tie Dinner & Dessert kick-off lunch at Marie’s house. But poo-pooing Brandi’s loose talk seems to make her double down. Baking a chocolate cake with her ginger-haired daughters this week, Brandi, holding a tiny white dog while stirring the batter, says “It looks like poop pie!” (It kinda does.)

And then she shows up at the Mad Hatter’s in that hat bedecked with faux droppings. She even plops a large cigar-shaped one in LeeAnne’s chair as a joke, which sends LeeAnne into a tattling frenzy over to party maestro Steve Kemble, who flushes at the scoop.

Other things happened on RHOD this week. YouTube channel star Tiffany and her Aussie musician husband Aaron shopped for a mansion. (“We’ve been married 11 years and never seen each other pee,” she overshares. The couple also prays over breakfast.) Brandi and bestie Stephanie donned massive fur coats to knock a dirt dauber’s nest off the balcony at Stephanie’s palatial home.

Cary, who looks a lot like Stephanie, confessed she didn’t know you weren’t supposed to touch the glowing heating coils in a toaster oven. (Is it a Sonya Morgan toaster oven? Don’t make the mistake of mentioning those!)

But mostly it was about crazy hats and one redhead stuck in Freud’s “anal stage,” which is supposed to end about age 3. “Embrace poop, people,” Brandi says directly to the camera. Oh, we have, darling. See you next week.

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Real Housewives of Dallas airs at 9 pm Mondays on Bravo.