Real Housewives Recap

It all goes to the (very pampered) dogs on The Real Housewives of Dallas

It all goes to the (pampered) dogs on Real Housewives of Dallas

Kameron Westcott, Real Housewives
Dogs just love fire near their heads. Kameron Westcott/Instagram

It is a well-known fact that the whole dang "Real Housewives" franchise is ... just ... weird. The concept (rich, middle-aged women and their fancy lives); the characters (have you met Vicki Gunvalson?); the settings (Potomac, Highland Park, Coto de Caza) all come together in one gaudy, Botoxed and boob-jobbed cocktail that is decidedly strange.

We may have hit peak weirdness on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas, though. From missing snow algae to dog psychics to a party full of pooches, the ladies are really showing the world what Dallas has to offer.

First, we check in with Stephanie, whose son Cruz has been struggling with dyslexia. She and Travis have hired a tutor and enrolled Cruz in a new school to ensure he’s getting the attention he needs to succeed. The problem is, Cruz isn’t super motivated to learn. To get him interested, Stephanie tells him he can give the dog a treat every time he answers a question correctly. Fortunately for little Cruz, this tactic seems to work. Unfortunately, Biscuit, the dog, may soon have weight issues.

Speaking of dog food, Kameron’s new line, Sparkle Dog, is nearly ready to launch. Yep, somehow the dumb smart blonde managed to convince her husband, Court, to invest and a manufacturer to partner with her, and doggone it, she’s created pink dog food. Well, almost.

Kameron and her mother are visiting the venue, making last-minute preparations for the launch party, which will include sparkles, sparkles, a pink carpet, and more sparkles. “I want people to walk in and feel the sparkles,” Kameron says. I’m not sure how one feels a sparkle, but sure.

D’Andra arrives to check out the venue with her, and Kameron reveals that the product isn’t quite the shade of pink that they want. In fact, when they received a sample in the mail, they found it to be, um, maroon. And if you can imagine that working its way through a canine’s GI tract and coming out the other end, well, it ain’t pretty.

Meanwhile, Stephanie has invited Cary out for a drink to try and mend fences after Brandi’s disastrous white party. To her credit, Stephanie feels bad about how Cary was treated while remaining wary of Cary’s true intentions with their friendship. She asks Cary if Cary ever said she would never be friends with someone who behaves like Stephanie did (with Brandi on the Mexico trip), and Cary admits that she did indeed say that.

Stephanie says that she didn’t think it was appropriate for Brandi to attack Cary for being her husband’s nanny before they got married, and Cary encourages Stephanie to distance herself from Brandi rather than being manipulated by her.

While this gossip-fest is happening, Brandi and LeeAnne are having a get-together of their own. LeeAnne reveals that her flesh-eating bacteria is under control, which is great for her but also kind of disappointing, drama-wise. LeeAnne admits throwing the glass was maybe a wrong move, but she doesn’t feel bad about it.

Brandi is still harping on the whole “nanny” thing, claiming she doesn’t understand why Cary would judge her behavior (remember the dildo?) when she, Cary, had an affair with her employer, whom she then married. Brandi and LeeAnne decide that Cary is manipulating Stephanie at about the same time Cary decides that Brandi is manipulating Stephanie.

But enough of that! Let’s talk about snow algae and some additive called L-22 that is supposed to make middle-aged women look like 22-year-olds. The product D’Andra pitched to Mommy Dearest is ready to go except for one small problem: The primary ingredient, L-22, won’t come into the manufacturing plant for another four weeks. And the product is supposed to launch in two weeks. If D’Andra were capable of getting wrinkles, this news would give her some for sure.

Back at the Barbie dream house, Kameron is waiting for the latest shipment of dog food samples. She’s very nervous, because it absolutely has to be 100 percent, perfectly bubble-gum pink. Kameron’s daughter, Hilton, couldn’t care less, and I love her for that.

Kameron opens the box and finds that the food is … well, to my eyes, it’s sort of a muted, brownish salmon, but Kameron proclaims it “perfectly bubble-gum pink,” so all engines are go!

Later, we revisit Stephanie’s son’s reading issues and learn that her husband, Travis, had similar problems growing up. And, as Stephanie says, Travis turned out fine, so Cruz will, too. Sure, Travis makes major household decisions without his wife’s input and holds the fact that he makes all the money over her head, but really, Cruz could do worse.

And then, suddenly, we’re in Plano. Ugh, I never wanted to leave Highland Park, but if we must.

Someone is struggling to parallel park a black SUV outside Del Frisco’s (is this the most "Houswife"-ish restaurant in Plano?), and instantly I know it’s Dog Food Barbie. Girlfriend is so put off by being in Plano that she can’t even operate motor vehicles anymore.

Kameron has ventured to Mars to meet Brandi and try to work out their issues. Brandi says, “I would rather not have a stick up my ass like you do,” but they agree that they’re different and can be friends anyway. They toast to being “sweet and sour.”

The day of the Sparkle Dog launch party, Kameron reveals that, as her 5-year-old daughter predicted, there were some concerns over the pink dog food and the “potty situation,” so they’ve mixed the pink kibble with brown to keep things more normal. I just can’t believe a 5-year-old saw that coming and she didn’t.

“This is literally the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen,” Court says when the venue is finally party-ready. And he isn’t wrong.

This is a BYODog party, so all the ladies arrive with canines in tow. Cary tastes the pink kibble (Melba toast is the consensus); Brandi declares the dogs better dressed than her; and Kameron’s dog, Louis, makes a grand entrance atop silver pillows and surrounded by lit sparklers. 'Cause dogs love fire near their heads.

While Kameron is celebrating her success, D’Andra asks the dog psychic about her pooch being withholding. The psychic cites mommy issues, and apparently the parallels between D’Andra’s relationship with her mom and her dog’s relationship with her are too much for D’Andra to bear. She starts crying in front of the dog psychic. D’Andra, if that isn’t a low point in your life, I need you to do some re-evaluating.

In the process of reconsidering her own decisions, LeeAnne has decided that she needs to invite Cary and Mark to her upcoming engagement party. LeeAnne wants to talk to Mark instead of Cary, though, which leads us to an epic Real House-husbands moment.

But first, Cary and Brandi have it out over nannygate. Brandi maintains that Cary was too close to the family to not have been having an affair, and Cary assures her that any implications of cheating are totally off-base.

Cary has, of course, been telling Mark all the ridiculous things LeeAnne has been claiming about their relationship, and Mark does not go easy on LeeAnne. “I feel like you’re trying to convince me that my wife is a liar,” Mark says. “You were telling stories that I was soliciting men for favors. Did you call my plastic surgery practice a chop shop?” LeeAnne owns up to all the things she said, but only because someone wronged her first.

Mark’s conversation with LeeAnne is like a teacher talking to a kindergartner. “Did you hit Johnny, LeeAnne?” “Yes, but Johnny hit me first!” Clearly, therapy is really helping our girl.

Mark agrees to come to LeeAnne’s engagement party, but only because he likes Rich.

Over at the nannygate table, Brandi and Cary make up, but Cary thinks LeeAnne is manipulating Brandi.

So now, we have Brandi and Stephanie as marionettes at the hands of LeeAnne and Cary, respectively. But Brandi is also pulling Stephanie’s strings. If, at the end of this, there isn’t some big twist that reveals Heidi Dillon to be the mastermind behind it all, I will be sorely disappointed.

We’ll find out next week on the season finale!