The Great TCU TP Debate

TCU's one-ply toilet paper reign of terror nears end

TCU's one-ply toilet paper reign of terror nears end

Toilet Paper
TCU student government adopted a resolution to move to two-ply toilet paper.  Photo by MyEyeSees/Flickr

Never say that student government is an intractable, inefficient entity full of résumé-padders. If it were, then how could you explain TCU’s Student Government Association’s recent mandate that the university abandon its money-saving move to employ one-ply toilet paper in campus bathrooms?

And don’t think that’s a joke put forth by a bored representative tired of inaction; it’s apparently a very real issue that has had TCU students chapped.

 “It feels like a pine cone. I don’t appreciate the way that the toilet paper feels for $50,000 a year,” senior Cory Wegner told TCU360.

Last September, TCU360 covered the issue that was tearing the campus apart as bums everywhere went through the motions with a subpar tool. After all, you wouldn’t chop a tree with a dull ax, now would you?

“It feels like a pine cone. I don’t appreciate the way that the toilet paper feels for $50,000 a year,” Cory Wegner, a senior criminal justice major, told TCU360. “I feel like we can afford better.”

Minutes from this week’s council meeting aren’t available yet, but TCU360 reports that the resolution to move from one-ply to two-ply passed with 96 percent of the votes. It seems that 4 percent of TCU’s student government never poops or they have no souls.

Previously, TCU had moved to one-ply to curb costs, but student body president Cody Westphal made the observation to TCU360 that shoddy one-ply toilet paper encourages inefficient use because people were having to roll more of it off than two-ply might require.

In fact, university administrators have already pledged their support to the resolution, citing the cost difference between one-ply and two-ply as negligible. Kind of makes one wonder just why one-ply was considered in the first place.

So Horned Frog heinies and honkers can sit easy in the future and know that the American Dream is still alive. Their inalienable right to poop in comfort will be restored. Surely, one day there will be a monument dedicated this momentous development.