The Bachelorette Recap

Rachel Lindsay's adorable dog steals the show on episode 2 of The Bachelorette

Copper stole our hearts.

Photo courtesy of ABC

This week, on The Bachelorette ... OMG, Rachel's adorable dog has a cast on his leg, I can't even. Why does she need a man? That dog is everything!

Ahem. Sorry. Moving on.

We begin with Chris Harrison meeting with the guys after the rose ceremony and asking them what they think of Rachel (she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she smells good), then he ominously states he hopes they’re all there for the right reasons. Foreshadowing.

The first group date takes place on a beautiful lawn just down the driveway from the Bachelor mansion. Everyone plays a little football (Rachel in a sexy dress, 'cause girl can hang), and during the game, the men — naturally — start questioning Lucas, aka Whaboom, aka, the sound your dog makes when he lets one rip then hurriedly leaves the room to avoid the noxious odor. Blake says he knows Lucas, and he’s the one person who can ruin everything for him.

But, surprise! They aren’t there just to play football. Rachel introduces the men to her “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who are self-professed Bachelor/Bachelorette megafans. They are there to cheer the men on as they move through a parenthood and domesticity obstacle course, complete with diaper changing, baby carrier assembly, and drain-clearing. Men get eliminated along the way, and when they do, they go to “the doghouse.”

It comes down to Whaboom and Kenny, but Whaboom shoves the pro-wrestler aside and wins the husband award, potentially through cheating. No one is convinced he's human, let alone husband material. Whaboom tries to get Kutcher to make the “whaboom” sound, and Kutcher totally doesn’t understand what it is or how Lucas can even be real.

After the obstacle course, the men and Rachel get gussied up and head to a hip bar for some chatting time. Rachel says what the viewers think EVERY. DAMN. SEASON: The conversations are mundane, and this is dumb. At least she admits it and doesn’t pretend like guys saying, “You know, there’s just … something … about … you … you know?” really turns her on.

Back at the house, Peter, a younger, hotter Willem Dafoe, gets the date card, and I am sooooo here for him.

Blake decides to tell Rachel how he feels about Lucas, claiming that he, Blake, lives with Lucas’s ex-girlfriend (yeah, try to keep up), so he knows Lucas isn’t here “for the right reasons.” Blake then admits to Lucas that he told Rachel all about him, but Lucas is unfazed, because he and Rachel have “an unspoken connection.” My cat and I have one of those, too.

Blake and Lucas fight while surrounded by fiberglass busts of clowns in this weird-ass bar. Something about Lucas trying to date someone and Blake having her evicted. (Hey, I’m a glass of wine in at this point, and even stone-cold sober, I’m not sure I could follow.) Dean gets the group date rose, and he and Rachel share a very cute kiss as he walks her to her car.

Now it’s time for Peter’s one-on-one date, and he and Rachel meet up with Copper, Rachel’s “dog child” and “best friend” for a trip to Palm Springs.

OK, now, confession time: I’ve been watching The Bachelor and its associated spin-offs since I was 12. Not much on this show surprises me anymore. But, this. This! My squeal of delight nearly matches the level of Lucas’s “whaboooooooooom” when Rachel, Copper, and that guy she’s on a date with traipse into a doggie pool party, complete with pugs on swan floats and spaniels in photo booths.

Peter excels on the date, cuddling with the dogs and explaining that he’d happily move from Wisconsin for love. He has now overtaken Colombian Bryan as my No. 2 pick (following Copper, of course). They discuss their shared gap teeth and romantic shortcomings over dinner. He reveals he’s seen a relationship therapist, and Rachel reveals that she’s been to a therapist to discuss romantic woes, too. Props for having real, honest conversations about therapy!

The next day there’s a group date to play basketball. Rachel brings in another of her “friends” (man, it must be good to be the Bachelorette), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The men play a truly terrible game in front of an auditorium packed with high school kids and the creepy Adam Jr. doll, while Rachel gets down with the cheerleaders and band. After the game, Rachel is approached by Lexi, who says she’s DeMario’s girlfriend of seven months. Or, she was, until she saw him on the After the Final Rose special and realized maybe they weren’t exclusive? Evidently he ghosted her, and then went on TV. Bad move, bro.

Rachel grabs DeMario to talk about the situation, who thinks he's getting extra time with Rachel because he played so well.

Lexi confronts him, and he claims she’s crazy and they’ve only met a few times. To be fair, Lexi does seem a little unstable. That said, the way DeMario is talking in circles trying to defend himself, I think I believe the crazy chick. Then, they start going through Lexi’s texts, and it’s clear DeMario is playing everyone. Rachel, bless her heart, tells DeMario she’s gonna need him “to get the fuck out.” Yes, girl, yes.

She’s a little down at the after-party, but she happily gives Josiah the rose for showing his “protective side.”

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, DeMario makes a surprise appearance. Chris Harrison lets Rachel know the douchebag du jour has arrived, and she’s curious what he could possibly have to say, so she agrees to meet him. As she walks outside, the men catch wind of what’s happening and start to circle like hungry sharks ready for some DeMario blood.

Next week, we find out if DeMario can possibly justify his behavior and if Whaboom will stick around to make us cringe for another week.

Movie Review

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 is better than the first but not by much

Blumhouse

Five Nights at Freddy's 2

Blumhouse Productions first made their name with the Paranormal Activity series, establishing themselves as a leader in the horror genre thanks to their relatively cheap yet effective movies. In recent years, they’ve added on “soft” horror films likeM3GAN and Five Nights at Freddy’s to draw in a younger audience, with both films becoming so successful that each was quickly given a sequel.

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 finds Mike (Josh Hutcherson) and his sister Abby (Piper Rubio) still recovering from the events of the first film, with Abby particularly missing her “friends.” Those friends just so happen to be the souls of murdered children who inhabit animatronic characters at the long-defunct Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, children who were abducted and killed by William Afton (Matthew Lillard).

A new threat emerges at another Freddy Fazbear’s location in the form of Charlotte, another murdered child who inhabits a creepy large marionette. Mike, distracted by a possible romance with Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail), fails to keep track of Abby, who makes her way to the old pizzeria and inadvertently unleashes Charlotte and her minions on the surrounding town.

Directed by Emma Tammi and written by Scott Cawthon (who also created the video game on which the series is based), the film tries to mix together goofy elements with intense scenes. One particular sequence, in which the security guard for Freddy Fazbear’s lets a group of ghost hunters onto the property, toes the line between soft and hard horror. That and a few others show the potential that the filmmakers had if they had stuck to their guns.

Unfortunately, more often than not they either soft-pedal things that would normally be horrific, or can’t figure out how to properly stage scenes. The sight of animatronic robots wreaking havoc is one that is simultaneously frightening and laughable, and the filmmakers never seem to find the right balance in tone. Every step in the direction of making a truly scary horror film is undercut by another in which the robots fail to live up to their promise.

It doesn’t help that Cawthon gives the cast some extremely wooden dialogue, lines that none of the actors can elevate. What may work in a video game format comes off as stilted when said by actors in a live-action film. The story also loses momentum quickly after the first half hour or so, with Cawthon seemingly content to just have characters move from place to place with no sense of connection between any of the scenes.

Hutcherson (The Hunger Games series), after being the true lead of the first film, is given very little to do in this film, and his effort is equal to his character’s arc. The same goes for Lail, whose character seems to be shoehorned into the story. Rubio is called upon to carry the load for a lot of the movie, and the teenager is not quite up to the task. A brief appearance by Skeet Ulrich seems to be a blatant appeal to Scream fans, but he and Lillard only underscore how limited this film is compared to that franchise.

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 is better than the first film, but not by much. The filmmakers do a decent job of making the new marionette character into a great villain, but they fail to capitalize on its inherent creepiness. Instead, they fall back on less effective elements, ensuring that the film will be forgettable for anyone other than hardcore Freddy fans.

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Five Nights at Freddy's 2 opens in theaters on December 5.

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