As much as we all love Big D, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment at the beginning of this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas as the ladies returned from Mexico and got back to their routines, which include making coffee, playing with pets, and hiding new purchases from husbands. I miss the tequila-induced pissing matches in bat caves, dammit!
Of course, the ladies didn’t leave the drama behind. Immediately upon returning, Cary has an awkward conversation with her husband, Mark, about the allegations that arose during the trip. She tells him that LeeAnne said he “goes to bars and has guys hit on him,” which is decidedly tamer than what LeeAnne actually said, but whatever. Mark and Cary are understandably sick of LeeAnne’s constant attempts to “ruin” them.
Meanwhile, Brandi is planning her annual Christmas party with the help of Stephanie and Brinkley, Brandi’s daughter, who is flailing about the floor of the event space in a desperate bid for attention. This year’s theme is a white party, and also “Brandi Land”…?
When the topic of the guest list arises, Brandi tells Stephanie that D’Andra will be out of town, but Cary will be attending the shindig, even though Brandi is pissed at her for calling her a liar in Mexico. Remember the whole “your doctor killed people on the operating table” controversy? Yeah, apparently it’s still a thing.
Over in D’Andra Land (I think that has a nicer ring to it than “Brandi Land,” personally), D’Andra has arrived at the office early to prepare to pitch a new product to Mommy Dearest. Mommy gets to work after her dutiful daughter, which is apparently a first, but it’s not surprising considering it probably took her a good two hours to plaster that much eye makeup on.
The product that D’Andra is pitching is snow algae-based, and it’s anti-aging. Mommy Dearest has never heard of snow algae, but she loves anything that makes her look more pickled and preserved, so she gives D’Andra the OK to invest $100,000 in the launch of this product. A quick check of the Ultimate Living website shows that it isn’t available for purchase yet, but I, for one, cannot wait to rub Chlamydomonas nivalis all over my face.
I also can’t wait until I’m wealthy enough to call a nurse over to my home to administer an IV when I’m feeling a little lethargic, as LeeAnne does upon her return from Mexico. She’s feeling well enough to stir some shit, though.
While receiving intravenous fluids, she chats with Brandi about the upcoming party and reveals that Cary told her she absolutely cannot be friends with Stephanie or Brandi after their behavior in Mexico. Why Cary would confide in LeeAnne, whom she loathes, is beyond me, but LeeAnne can’t wait to confront her at Brandi’s party. She claims she wants to “hold her feet to the fire,” and I’m honestly not sure if she’s speaking metaphorically. LeeAnne is crazy like that, y’all.
I’d almost forgotten Kameron Wescott existed this week, but she shattered my pleasant reverie with the engine of her BMW i8 (MSRP of $143,400) and her hot pink fur vest arriving at a dog food factory in Hamlin, Texas. The girl is still trying to make pink dog food happen. She meets with two burly factory workers, whom she hopes will see her vision. They seem … skeptical, to say the least, but they agree to work with her on “Sparkle Dog.” And wonder of wonders, you can buy it here, now. Court and I are sorry we ever doubted you, Dog Food Barbie.
Elsewhere, LeeAnne is still struggling to re-energize, even after her IV cocktail. She returns to the doctor who performed her recent plastic surgery (you know, the one Cary swore wasn’t a real plastic surgeon), and he explains that she has flesh-eating bacteria. “Why me?” she asks the doctor, plaintively. OK, Bravo, roll the footage!
Later, D’Andra and Jeremy pack for their trip to Croatia, and Keatin, Jeremy’s son, calls with some updates on his life since moving out. D’Andra apologizes for trying to push him to do things her way, and she acknowledges, “I was trying to control Keatin like my mother tries to control me.” BINGO! Maybe Mommy Dearest can learn a little something about parenting from her daughter.
Finally, Brandi’s white party is under way! Brandi tells Stephanie what LeeAnne told her about Cary not wanting to be friends with the trashy twosome anymore, but Stephanie doesn’t believe it. Brandi is relentless, though, revealing that she’s been “protecting” Cary by not admitting that she knew Cary had an affair with her now-husband while she was serving as the nanny for him and his previous wife. So now we’re all set for an epic showdown of LeeAnne vs. Cary vs. Brandi with poor little Stephanie trying not to piss anyone off.
But before that, D’Andra arrives to cut the tension. Well, sort of. She has arranged for an iPad on wheels to scoot around the party while she Facetimes with the various guests. Brandi starts picking D’Andra’s nose on screen and then dancing with the robot, 'cause Brandi will always be Brandi.
Cary and Kameron arrive next, making a beeline for the bar. Kameron instantly starts complaining that the cups serving the free drinks are plastic, not glass. But it’s OK, because she’s brought a gift for the hostess: a big pack of batteries for Sexual Chocolate, Brandi’s dildo. Only … dildos don’t use batteries; vibrators do. She’s a smart blonde, you guys!
While Snow Queen Barbie is busy being confused about how sex toys work, Cary loudly articulates her boredom. Brandi is, understandably, a little offended, so she decides to confront Cary about LeeAnne’s allegations. The girls can’t hear each other above the din of the party, though, and they decide to go downstairs to have a proper fight.
When questioned, Cary deflects for a while, lobbing the accusations over to Kameron, who freely admits saying she wanted nothing to do with Stephanie and Brandi after Mexico. But then Bravo rolls the clip of Cary saying, “Their behavior toward me has been awful. I can’t be friends with them.” So it kind of seems like LeeAnne is telling the truth.
Still, Cary tries to accuse LeeAnne of being out to get her. LeeAnne retorts by whipping out some note cards listing her grievances. The argument then devolves into which is worse: Cary’s stepson seeing a dildo on TV or Cary’s stepson seeing her naked and hearing her talk about sex on TV. Cary argues that her body is a temple, but dildos are inappropriate.
Stephanie asks Cary why she didn’t defend her and Brandi when Kameron called them trash, but Cary doesn’t really get a chance to answer before LeeAnne gets in her face, telling her they would never be friends. Incensed by Cary’s refusal to engage and rise to LeeAnne’s level of anger, LeeAnne stands up and slams a glass onto the floor, where it shatters.
Apparently, Kameron, there is actual glassware at this party. Kameron turns to Brandi and deadpans, “Oh, this is why you have plastic.”
Somehow, after that epic display of rage, LeeAnne manages to sit back down and listen as Brandi essentially accuses Cary of homewrecking, just as LeeAnne accused last season. Cary and Stephanie both think LeeAnne is influencing Brandi’s behavior, which is exactly what’s happening.
Rather than face the nasty accusations, Cary and Kameron make a swift exit into the chilly Dallas night, robbing Kameron of the opportunity to track down and sip white wine out of an actual, honest-to-goodness glass goblet.