This week, on The Bachelorette ... OMG, Rachel's adorable dog has a cast on his leg, I can't even. Why does she need a man? That dog is everything!

Ahem. Sorry. Moving on.

We begin with Chris Harrison meeting with the guys after the rose ceremony and asking them what they think of Rachel (she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she smells good), then he ominously states he hopes they’re all there for the right reasons. Foreshadowing.

The first group date takes place on a beautiful lawn just down the driveway from the Bachelor mansion. Everyone plays a little football (Rachel in a sexy dress, 'cause girl can hang), and during the game, the men — naturally — start questioning Lucas, aka Whaboom, aka, the sound your dog makes when he lets one rip then hurriedly leaves the room to avoid the noxious odor. Blake says he knows Lucas, and he’s the one person who can ruin everything for him.

But, surprise! They aren’t there just to play football. Rachel introduces the men to her “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who are self-professed Bachelor/Bachelorette megafans. They are there to cheer the men on as they move through a parenthood and domesticity obstacle course, complete with diaper changing, baby carrier assembly, and drain-clearing. Men get eliminated along the way, and when they do, they go to “the doghouse.”

It comes down to Whaboom and Kenny, but Whaboom shoves the pro-wrestler aside and wins the husband award, potentially through cheating. No one is convinced he's human, let alone husband material. Whaboom tries to get Kutcher to make the “whaboom” sound, and Kutcher totally doesn’t understand what it is or how Lucas can even be real.

After the obstacle course, the men and Rachel get gussied up and head to a hip bar for some chatting time. Rachel says what the viewers think EVERY. DAMN. SEASON: The conversations are mundane, and this is dumb. At least she admits it and doesn’t pretend like guys saying, “You know, there’s just … something … about … you … you know?” really turns her on.

Back at the house, Peter, a younger, hotter Willem Dafoe, gets the date card, and I am sooooo here for him.

Blake decides to tell Rachel how he feels about Lucas, claiming that he, Blake, lives with Lucas’s ex-girlfriend (yeah, try to keep up), so he knows Lucas isn’t here “for the right reasons.” Blake then admits to Lucas that he told Rachel all about him, but Lucas is unfazed, because he and Rachel have “an unspoken connection.” My cat and I have one of those, too.

Blake and Lucas fight while surrounded by fiberglass busts of clowns in this weird-ass bar. Something about Lucas trying to date someone and Blake having her evicted. (Hey, I’m a glass of wine in at this point, and even stone-cold sober, I’m not sure I could follow.) Dean gets the group date rose, and he and Rachel share a very cute kiss as he walks her to her car.

Now it’s time for Peter’s one-on-one date, and he and Rachel meet up with Copper, Rachel’s “dog child” and “best friend” for a trip to Palm Springs.

OK, now, confession time: I’ve been watching The Bachelor and its associated spin-offs since I was 12. Not much on this show surprises me anymore. But, this. This! My squeal of delight nearly matches the level of Lucas’s “whaboooooooooom” when Rachel, Copper, and that guy she’s on a date with traipse into a doggie pool party, complete with pugs on swan floats and spaniels in photo booths.

Peter excels on the date, cuddling with the dogs and explaining that he’d happily move from Wisconsin for love. He has now overtaken Colombian Bryan as my No. 2 pick (following Copper, of course). They discuss their shared gap teeth and romantic shortcomings over dinner. He reveals he’s seen a relationship therapist, and Rachel reveals that she’s been to a therapist to discuss romantic woes, too. Props for having real, honest conversations about therapy!

The next day there’s a group date to play basketball. Rachel brings in another of her “friends” (man, it must be good to be the Bachelorette), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The men play a truly terrible game in front of an auditorium packed with high school kids and the creepy Adam Jr. doll, while Rachel gets down with the cheerleaders and band. After the game, Rachel is approached by Lexi, who says she’s DeMario’s girlfriend of seven months. Or, she was, until she saw him on the After the Final Rose special and realized maybe they weren’t exclusive? Evidently he ghosted her, and then went on TV. Bad move, bro.

Rachel grabs DeMario to talk about the situation, who thinks he's getting extra time with Rachel because he played so well.

Lexi confronts him, and he claims she’s crazy and they’ve only met a few times. To be fair, Lexi does seem a little unstable. That said, the way DeMario is talking in circles trying to defend himself, I think I believe the crazy chick. Then, they start going through Lexi’s texts, and it’s clear DeMario is playing everyone. Rachel, bless her heart, tells DeMario she’s gonna need him “to get the fuck out.” Yes, girl, yes.

She’s a little down at the after-party, but she happily gives Josiah the rose for showing his “protective side.”

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, DeMario makes a surprise appearance. Chris Harrison lets Rachel know the douchebag du jour has arrived, and she’s curious what he could possibly have to say, so she agrees to meet him. As she walks outside, the men catch wind of what’s happening and start to circle like hungry sharks ready for some DeMario blood.

Next week, we find out if DeMario can possibly justify his behavior and if Whaboom will stick around to make us cringe for another week.